I've been thinking a lot lately about writing. One of my goals in the new year is to write more. Not sure where it will lead, what form it will take (songs, blogs, etc.), or why I really feel such a fire in my bones to do it, but I've done all my wrestling with that and now I'm just going to figure out how to make it happen. I'm afraid I won't have anything to say that matters, I'm afraid nobody will care if I do or if I don't (which shouldn't matter, but just being honest), and now my pride doesn't want to do it because Mommy blogging...well, blogging in general I guess, is taking over the universe right now and everybody is doing it. It's that teenager independence thing, that I can't do what everybody else is doing, thing. I know, mature. But guess what? The latter is my own fault- I mean, I have been blogging for over three years now, and if I'd been cranking out more than the obligatory catching up, look how cute and brilliant my kids are posts every now and then (which I will shamelessly continue to do, btw), as was my original intention, I would have been cool like that. And I would have been obedient to my convictions. But I digress.
As much as I love to write, feel like I need to write, I've struggled with penning what's in my heart and ultimately sharing it. Here's one of my problems. I think there's this misconception about having a desire or strong feeling to do something. We think that just because we are inspired or called to action that it will magically just happen for us. That inspiration will hit us in just the moment we need it- and when it doesn't we just shrug our shoulders, go on about our business, and think maybe we weren't supposed to do that after all. The misconception lies in the process. Because sometimes I think we forget there is a process. I've heard this process described many times before, cleverly packaged into three D's:
Desire....Discipline....Delight.
They are somewhat self-explanatory, so I won't insult your intelligence by going into great detail on all three. But I will say I think we typically want to go, or feel as it should go, straight from desire to the delight stage. Getting the idea, desiring a better relationship, wanting to change those habits, do something in your heart etc. and then wanting to immediately reap the delight of having accomplished the desire through a wave of inspiration. Bam. Done. Desire is so noble, so fueled by motivation, so right, and delight is...well, delightful! But discipline is so boring, so unglamorous, and so. much. work. It takes all the fun out of what you wanted in the first place. Like we've bought into this lie that if something is meant to be we won't have to work for it because it will just happen, while your perfect soundtrack is playing behind you in your perfect moment. Lots of people feel this way about relationships, trust me- we've talked to them-, but that's just one example out of many. What I'm talking about applies to about anything worth doing you can think of.
But it's in the trenches of discipline, in the wrestling around and trudging through the consistency and work of it, the every day stick-to-itiveness that something tangible is born out of the intangible desire. It's through the discipline that we become. We become what we desire and it's to our ultimate delight.
Because, really, the delight at the end of the tunnel (oh wow, unintentional cheesy pun) is all the more delightful, carries so much more weight when you work really hard for it, no?
I know that, yet I still struggle with the discipline stage of the process. I'm not really known to be the most disciplined person to begin with. I'm a live in the moment, love to be surrounded by inspiration kind of person, so to me the idea of doing something even if you're not inspired to do so, just because you should and need to, is a hard pill for my artsy little soul to swallow sometimes. Maybe that's just me. Being disciplined and focused actually seems to be custom built into some personalities, and I'm a little jealous of those. But if anybody that happens to read this is like me, let this be an encouragement to you, as it will be an accountability to myself, to press through and keep the discipline of consistency. I've learned to embrace discipline through the years, not because I like it, but because I know the transformation taking place inside of me because of it. Keep on doing what you need to do, even if you don't feel like it. Don't let the desire die. Do it if it feels like drudgery.
Because one day you might look up and the drudgery might have turned into delight and you're doing what you wanted to do.
This is where I am with writing. I have to change the way I think about it and approach it. I need to be in the trenches with it more, as a daily (or almost daily) discipline rather than looking at it as something I will sit down and do when "inspiration" hits. I've learned that doesn't really happen and consequently the non-writing happens as a result. Rarely does inspiration hitting and me having a moment to sit down and go with it fall into the same space. Part of discipline is making a plan for yourself instead of just waiting around and thinking things will fall into place the way they need to. They won't. I am going to make some space on this blog for my thoughts. And I will continue to write about my family and overload your cuteness capacity with pictures and quotes from my precious children. And I will try to make it a little predictable, as in certain days having certain themes. That way if you don't want to read about snotty noses or first teeth (both of which I have in my home currently) you don't have to. Maybe, just maybe one day I will have another blog. But let's face it- some days it's a big deal if I can get a shower before 5:00, so I've got to take baby steps, people. Just gotta start where I'm living, you know?
Finally, a quote I heard from a book I think I want to read: "Our stories affect one another whether we know it or not. Sometimes obedience isn't for us at all, but for another." I'm hoping on the inside that will happen, because it's the only way I won't feel silly and self-promoting in sharing. Because what do I even have to offer- who am I kidding? But that leads me to the part two of what keeps us from doing what we need to do, based on something else I read:
"Don't compare your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel." Yep. To be continued...
Peace out from the Pate house.
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